Courage Is Fear Having Said Its Prayers

It is September 11, 2002, the first anniversary of 9/11, and I am walking into Washington National Cathedral for an interfaith service of remembrance and healing.  Over three thousand people have journeyed to the Cathedral on this sun-drenched morning to commemorate those who were lost on 9/11, those who survived, and to bring solace to those who struggle to move forward in the face of such collective devastation. 

 I have been invited here because poetic excerpts from my book, Gateways of the Divine, will be included as part of today’s offering, interspersed into a weaving of live music and song, along with recorded voices of some of the survivors of 9/11, as well as the rescue workers from Ground Zero.  Although I published Gateways of the Divine as an elaborate 7-lb. limited edition illuminated manuscript just 11 days after 9/11, I never could have foreseen the mysterious and synchronistic ways that the Gateways would become connected to the events of that fateful day, and less than a year later, be used in this inspirational service at Washington National Cathedral.   

When I had arrived in Washington D.C. a few days earlier, Canon Peter Grandell told me that Gateways of the Divine was “an inspiration” and “a godsend,” not only in helping him to create the ceremony, but in his own spiritual process of grappling with the events of 9/11.  The previous year, he had been across the street from the World Trade Center at a theological conference, and witnessed the falling of the Twin Towers. His need to honor and come to terms with the impact of that event was both profoundly personal as well as spiritual, in his role as one of the leaders at the National Cathedral.

I leave this brilliant morning and cross the threshold of the Cathedral into a vast and hallowed darkness, one made radiant by jeweled light streaming through an arcade of exquisite stained glass windows.  I am handed a program for today’s services, which features a photograph of a red, white and blue painted banner from Ground Zero, bearing the simple declaration: COURAGE.  Underneath the banner is an anonymous quote:  “Courage is Fear Having Said Its Prayers.”  As soon as I read this, my heart breaks open and silently I begin to weep.  Walking down the central aisle in the nave with tears streaming down my face, I think of the enormous courage it took for me to bring the Gateways to the world, the countless doubts and fears I faced during the 10 years of its creation, the endless prayers for guidance, the life-savings I poured into its publication, all because I was answering a spiritual calling. 

You see, I never had an ambition to be a publisher, to be a public person in any way.  The fierce and unflinching wisdom of Gateways of the Divine is the fruit of my own healing journey, a shamanic descent into the Underworld that forced me to face the unspeakable darkness of my personal history, and discover that it, too, is a face of the Divine.   As I reach my seat at the front of the Cathedral, knowing that the transformative vision that came through me is in now in service to a collective healing, a rend in my heart is repaired forever.  In each fiber of my being I know:  Every healing changes the fabric of creation.

With a profound sense of gratitude for the journey which has brought me to this moment, I listen reverently to the sermon given by Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa:

“Our God is the one who is right here, who was right there as the planes were hitting their targets, as passengers sat knowing that they were going, rushing into a fiery, explosive death. God was there as the buildings crumbled, there in the blinding, choking dust in the rubble, in the depths of collapsed buildings. In the anguish...God was there in the anguish of the movement, in the darkness, in the bewilderment, in the senselessness of it all. God, Emmanuel, is still here. God is with you. For God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, wiping away your tears, pouring balm on your wounded souls. On that day, you wonderful people of this great country awoke to find that you, that you were fragile, you were vulnerable.

…And so, God says to you, “I love you. You are precious in this fragility and this vulnerability. Your being is a gift. I breathe into you and hold you as something, as something precious.”

When Gateways of the Divine was born in the distressed and sober days following 9/11, I sensed that there was a larger purpose to the book coming to the world at this time, a sense of “divine timing.” For a brief while we were united as a country as we grappled with unspeakable horrors, our hearts broken open in compassionate prayer, as we were forced to face our own fragility and the darkness of the Divine as never before. 

At the publication event on the equinox of September 22, 2001, when I performed my first “Gateways Ceremony,” I offered a deck of the 44 Gateways cards from the book to the participants, asking them to each select a Gateway, which I would then illuminate by performing memorized passages of poetry from that chapter. When the Gateway “Facing Death” was selected and its image appeared on the projection screen, everyone in the room gasped in astonishment. “Facing Death” depicts the New York City skyline, with Shiva, the Hindu God of Death, and a dying man in mid-air.  The astonishing thing is that I created this image in 1992, when I lived in New York City.  There is no way to explain this mystery, but I understood in that moment that something much larger had come through me than just a reflection of my personal healing journey.  I looked out at the sea of stunned faces and recited a passage quoted in Irina Tweedie’s Daughter of Fire:

When you die of surrender, only then will you live forever.

If you are put to death through surrender,

There is no such thing as death for you,

For you have died already.

As I traveled around the country promoting the Gateways during the first year, I encountered a surprisingly diverse group of people who were immediately drawn to its unwavering wisdom of integrating Light and Shadow. I was amazed at the profound openings and insights people were experiencing around the book.  Therapists and healers and interfaith chaplains discovered a unique tool of transformation as they began to use the Gateways with their clients. Even a 16-year-old teenager who could relate to its raw imagery sent me a letter with her impressions of each one of the 44 Gateways cards.  “I hope you find the Source, “ she wrote to me at the end.  “I think maybe you already have.”

Over the years, it has been the artistic, spiritual, social and political visionaries who have been most enthusiastic in support of Gateways of the Divine, from Emmy Award-winning composer Gary Malkin to social innovator and author Barbara Marx Hubbard, to Congressman Dennis Kucinich, to Madonna!  I’ve been incredibly grateful to each and every person who has supported this book and shared it with others.  Every Gateways book that goes out to the world gives me the faith and courage to move forward with my path of serving others through the beauty, power and mystery of the creative arts.

Ten years have passed since Gateways of the Divine made its quiet and indelible entrance to the world, and its integrative vision is needed in our world more than ever.  I remember when I met the singer-songwriter Beth Nielsen Chapman at the rehearsal for the Washington National Cathedral 9/11 event, and she saw the 7 lb. copy of Gateways of the Divine perched on my hip like a baby, she cried out, “What is that?”  And a moment later Beth exclaimed, “I have to have one!” 

I laughed. “You haven’t even seen it yet,” I replied.

“I know I need it,” Beth said with certainty.

It is time for the evening service at Washington National Cathedral, the end of a long day of prayerful remembrance on the first anniversary of 9/11.  Beth Nielsen Chapman is seated at a grand piano before the congregation, and her tender voice rings out into the vastness:

There's a light, there's a light in the darkness
And the black of the night cannot harm us
We can trust not to fear for our comfort is near
There's a light, there's a light in the darkness

It will rain it will rain in the desert
In the cracks of the plain there's a treasure
Like the trust of the seed we will await we believe
It will rain it will rain in the desert

We will fly we will fly we will let go
To this world we will die but our hearts know
We'll see more on that side when the door opens wide
We will fly we will fly we will fly we will fly...

...We will all go

I find out later that Beth has been through the Shadowlands as well, having lost her husband to cancer seven years before, and just recently having survived a bout with breast cancer herself.  Perhaps Beth responded so quickly to Gateways of the Divine because she instinctively knew that I was a sister who had forged her way through the darkness, and discovered the light of an open heart.

For more information:

-Signed and numbered Limited Edition copies of

Gateways of the Divine are now available below cost at www.GatewaysoftheDivine.com

-To learn more about the genesis of Gateways of the Divine, please watch the short video, “The Vision and Healing Artistry of Colette” at http://www.vimeo.com/8024432

Lyrics to “There’s a Light” ©Beth Nielsen Chapman. Listen to the song at:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-nielsen-chapman/theres-a-light-in-the-dar_b_630266.html
To learn about the exquisite musical offerings of

Beth Nielsen Chapman, and to purchase songs: https://www.bethnielsenchapman.com/

 

-For the complete transcript of Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s sermon at Washington National Cathedral on September 11, 2002, go to:

http://www.nationalcathedral.org/worship/sermonTexts/dt020911.shtml

-To view this and other stories from 9/11 on Washington National Cathedral’s “A Call to Compassion” website:

http://www.calltocompassion.com/share-your-story/?story_id=541

Article and images from Gateways of the Divine ©Colette de Gagnier-Rettner.  

Moving Forward

Solutio I

And moving forward takes feral courage,

opens the wildest

and most outrageous light of all,

becomes the hardest path of all.

the firm line we drew in the sand

becomes the river we will not cross.

But the river of the soul flows on

and the soul

refuses safety until it finds the sea.

The ocean of longing,

the sea of your deeper want,

the gravity well of your own desire,

the place you would fall becomes

in falling

the place you are held.

-DAVID WHYTE

from “Millennium”

“I don’t know if I should write or scream,” I confess to my sister Carolyn at the end of June. For a month now my body has been riddled with angry, itchy hives, my entire immune system inflamed and overwhelmed, my nights turbulent and devoid of restful sleep.  All the symptoms of my chronic health conditions have returned with a blood-sucking vengeance – crippling fatigue, digestive distress, brain fog, a woefully weakened immunity.  I am numb with shock, spun out from suffering, unraveled in anguish.  I’m outraged, but too stunned to express it.   How did I get cast into the Underworld from just one chemical cocktail injected into my veins? 

Just a month earlier, at the end of May, as I complete two months of Hyperbaric Oxygen treatments, I am oblivious to what is to come.  I have a spacious sense that I am sailing off into the healing sunset.  I am feeling vastly improved, with greater stamina and vitality, a stronger immune system, and the sense of hope about the unfolding of my life.  I feel a great sense of accomplishment, having worked so hard to raise the money for this treatment course, and an enduring gratitude to all the friends and family whose generous support made it possible.  I have also completed a month of IV chelation therapy for heavy metal toxicity, which has been going very well, with few side effects.  I only have 4 more weeks of IV treatments to go, and then I will be retested to check if I needed additional treatments.  As far as I am concerned, I am in the home stretch.

Just five days after completing the HBOT treatments, however, I have a blind date with destiny in the form of a chemical called DMPS, which I later discover was developed in the post WWII era for acute mercury and industrial chemical poisoning, and gets injected into my sensitive body to remove only moderately elevated levels of mercury. In a few short hours, my veins take in an overwhelming blend of IV DMPS for mercury, IV EDTA for lead, and followed by an injection of glucathione, a potent antioxidant, and then a push of minerals, which burns and aches terribly as it goes into my arm.  I leave the clinic feeling weak, unstable, in a state of shock.  I come home, collapsing into bed at 5PM.  All night I feel as if I have poison coursing through my veins.  I feel assaulted, but I tell myself that maybe it’s just the toxic metals clearing from my system. 

The next morning, though, I don’t feel anything is clearing out from my body.  My digestive system is on strike and I feel increasingly toxic.  Then hives start erupting all over my body.  Inside and out, my body feels inflamed, my immune and nervous systems on red alert.  The next night, I am unable to sleep.  Something is very, very wrong.  I’m sinking in a cesspool of fire.

Ragged and worried at this point, I go to the computer the following morning to research DMPS, since that was the only drug I’d never been given before in the IV chelation series, and I had been tolerating the IV EDTA treatments well.  I find out that DMPS is not an FDA approved drug, and its status is only as a “bulk chemical” that requires an informed patient consent in order to be legally administered.  I was not warned of any dangers and side effects, nor given a DMPS consent form to sign. I also find out in my research that chemical chelators are not supposed to be combined in one treatment, and that it is necessary to wait 24 hours before receiving the mineral push, neither of which happened in my case.  There are serious risks associated with the use of DMPS, especially with in those with chronic conditions and sensitive constitutions.  Dr. Thomas Levy, a cardiologist who co-authored the book Uninformed Consent, says “DMPS is an unqualified sledge hammer to the immune system.  Immune declines and clinical illness can result can result for weeks and sometimes even months after only one injection of DMPS.”  Even Dietrich Klinghardt, M.D., who is an expert on heavy metal detoxification and is a big proponent of IV chelation therapy himself writes, “More aggressive approaches, such as I.V. Glutathione, Vit.C, DMPS, CaEDTA and others have a place in reasonably healthy people but often worsen the condition in patients with advanced illness.”  If I had known any of this beforehand, I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to this treatment.

What was my naturopathic doctor thinking?  When she had recommended this IV treatment course to remove toxic metals several months earlier, I had expressed concern about DMPS in particular, because a friend had suffered permanent kidney damage 10 years earlier from IV DMPS.  My doctor assured me that the IV specialist had the latest training, and that I was in good hands.  End of discussion.  No explanation of possible dangers and side effects, nor an informed consent for me to sign.  None of the standard preliminary tests were done on me prior to starting the chelation series:  blood and urine tests to assess the health of my kidneys, liver, and immune system, hair test to check mineral levels, nor an EKG and chest x ray to see if my heart would be at risk.  Hard lesson learned: no matter how much you like and trust your doctor, do the research yourself before agreeing to any drug or treatment course.  I know my doctor didn’t intend to hurt me, but that doesn’t excuse the gross negligence in this situation.   

“Acceptance is hard.  To accept my pain means holding it in my arms,

like a package handed to me, my proper burden to be carried.  The package may be as heavy as lead, or burning hot, or stuck through with razors,

 but I must concede that it is my package, simply because it has arrived in my life.   

It is not a mistake.  It has not been sent by accident to the wrong person.  I may not welcome it, but accepting means I can carry it without protest for 

as long as necessary—and then I lay it down.”

-JEANNE DUPRAU, author, The City of Ember

In the weeks and months that follow, I do everything I can to recover from this nightmare: juice fasting, strict diets, energy healings, and two weeks of additional HBOT treatments to help me get over the worst of the DMPS poisoning. I am now working with a highly skilled and intuitive MD named Catherine Fehrmann who specializes in safe and gentle detoxification, as well as healing areas of infection and trauma in the body.  God knows, my body has been through it.  I’m now on a regime that includes chlorella tablets and cilantro tincture for the heavy metals, as well as a host of other pills and potions.  So far, the treatment is going well.  I feel like I'm in good hands.

It’s been more than three months since the DMPS debacle, and unfortunately my immune system continues to feel weakened, with frequent bodily aches and pains, and swollen glands.  I have some good days, but my overall energy and stamina are not good.  I wonder how long it will take for me to recover fully.  I’m considering going back for more Hyperbaric Oxygen treatments, since they are gentle and have had the most positive impact on my health of any course I’ve been on during the past decade.   

I’m worn out from what I have been through, but I’m hanging in there.  On September 22^nd, just 11 days after 9/11, I celebrate the 10^th anniversary of the publication of my book, “Gateways of the Divine:  An Illuminated Manuscript for the Modern Age.”  At another time I will share the amazing and mysterious synchronicities between the events of 9/11 and the Gateways, but for now I will offer one jewel I gleaned from birthing this 7 lb. book: If you follow your healing path completely, and trust the guidance you receive along the way, you will naturally be led to your path of service in the world. 

With a feral courage, I’m moving forward…

 “Solutio I,” 4x6” collage on paper from The Oracle of Alchemy, ©2006-2011 by Colette de Gagnier.  To order prints from this series, please visit Alchemy of the Divine and Colette's Visionary Art Gallery at www.MysticAlchemyDesign.com

To learn more about Colette’s book, Gateways of the Divine, please go to www.gatewaysofthedivine.com

For more information on the risks and side effects associated with DMPS, please go to http://www.dmpsbackfire.com/dmps/default.shtml

For more information on Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, please go to: www.ImproveHealing.com

For more information on the healing work of Dr. Catherine Fehrmann, please go to http://www.catherinefehrmannmd.com/

For more information on the writing of Jeanne Du Prau : http://www.jeanneduprau.com/books.shtml

For more information on the offerings of poet David Whyte: www.davidwhyte.com

The Evidence of God's Grace

Monday, May 23, 2011

Day 36 of Hyperbaric Dive

Coagulatio IV

The Beloved’s Word,

One and the same,

Wanders around

Looking for incarnation.

A disembodied Word

Is of no use to anybody.

We must put flesh around it,

Put skin around it.

-Garth Stanton

from “Skin”

What am I called to incarnate today?  JOY!!  This morning as I am watering the garden, I decide to gather a resplendent bouquet of fragrant pale pink roses and give them to the staff at AdvancedHyperbaric Recovery of Marin, in thanks for all their support as I enter my 8^th and final week of Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy treatments. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Day 37 of Hyperbaric Dive

Nigredo VI

What negligence, what delay is this?

Run to the mountain

and get rid of the slough

which keeps you from seeing God.

-Thomas Merton

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Day 38 of Hyperbaric Dive

Prima Materia I

There was silence;

There was chaos,

There was a voice.

A mind went forth to form worlds:

Now order reigns where

chaos once held sway.

-The Talmud

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day 39 of Hyperbaric Dive

Alchemical Gold V

 

Invoke the One,

desire the One,

search the One.

See the One—know the One

and affirm that it is One.

Whether at the beginning

or at the end,

all of this is only

one single thing...

-Fariduddin Attar

Friday, May 27, 2011

Day 40 of Hyperbaric Dive

Nigredo IX

Ashes of paper, ashes of a world

Wandering, when fire is done:

We argue with the drops of rain!

Until One comes Who walks unseen

Even in elements we have destroyed.

Deeper than any nerve

He enters flesh and bone.

Planting his truth, He puts our substance on.

Air, earth and rain

Rework the frame that fire has ruined.

What was dead is waiting for His Flame.

-Thomas Merton

Annunciation

It’s my last day of Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, and I’m feeling a bit fragile in heart and body.  I recall an image from last night’s offering of dreams: 

I see a veiled Iranian woman sitting offstage during a Persian dance performance.  The veiled woman transforms into a butterfly before my eyes, rippling through the air to hover before me. Through gossamer wings I hear the woman’s voice clearly, telling me that she is cold and hungry.  I know this delicate and beautiful creature has come to me for care and protection.

I am that butterfly, resplendent with burgeoning life, yet still in need of special attention and care.  My body is fatigued this morning, although I slept well.  The cheeks of my face are peppered with pimples, like some middle-aged adolescent.  Another wave of detox malaise, I suppose.  Inwardly, I feel disappointed.  I had hoped to be feeling more robust on my last day of treatments.  Once again, I am called to be loving and compassionate with myself, and to trust the process of healing, which certainly will continue beyond this day.

I rest in bed all morning, which helps.  I talk with Ursula Gilkeson, the wonderful energy healer and homeopath I’ve been working with during the past two months.  Ursula has been an integral part of my healing team, and this morning she is very affirming of the transformative symbol of the butterfly in my dream, and how my emotional and physical body are still in a deep process of clearing.  After connecting about 10 minutes on the phone, we hang up, and I receive a long-distance healing from her.  In minutes I can feel my body suffused with a golden light.  As I emerge from the healing about 45 minutes later, I feel recharged and at peace.

The early morning fog has given way to a brisk Spring sun as I drive across the Richmond Bridge to Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery of Marin.  I arrive promptly at 2PM, just like I have every weekday afternoon for the past two months.  I grab a clipboard with my daily symptom questionnaire, and sit down for a couple of minutes to fill it out.  Lorenzo Alviso, one of the two main Hyperbaric technicians who has been shepherding me on this 40-day descent, walks into the reception area with the broad, welcoming smile I have come to love, and announces that my chamber is ready for me.

With my daily chart filled out, I take my sheet and walk to the back where the three oxygen chambers await patients like me who have somehow been ravaged by illness or injury.  I hand my sheet to Ruth Walker, the other Hyperbaric technician who has kindly guided these treatments.  “How are you feeling?” Ruth asks me.  “Not so hot today,” I admit.  “It’s not what I’d hoped for on my last day of treatment.”

I get changed into my cotton tunic for the last time, and climb into the trusty chamber of healing.  I start to weep, in relief, in gratitude, in a tender sense of the vulnerable passage that continues.  As the chamber fills with oxygen and comes to full pressure, my sadness abates as I soak in the nourishing airs.

The choice for my last “HBOT Video Therapy” is Bruce Almighty, starring Jim Carrey as a disgruntled feature news reporter who cries out to God for a sign that He (or She!) exists.  God shows up as Morgan Freeman, immaculately dressed in a white suit in abandoned white warehouse.  Bruce blames God for the state of his life, and God says, “I’ll give you my powers, and let’s see if you can do better.” 

Mayhem ensues in a series of local and global catastrophes as Bruce uses his God-given abilities for selfish, ego-driven ends, ultimately causing his girlfriend to leave him.  In the end, confronted by God for the mess he has created, Bruce has a change of heart, and for once, selflessly prays that his girlfriend find love and the happiness she deserves, even if it’s not with him.  God replies in Morgan Freeman’s husky voice, “Now, that’s a prayer!” and with and act of grace, gives Bruce another chance at life, and at recovering the love he thought was gone forever.

The movie comes to a happy ending as the pressure in the chamber decreases.  It’s time for me to emerge.  Ruth opens the hermetically-sealed door with a smile and I go get changed.  When I come out, I feel emotional again.  How do I say goodbye to this place, to these people who have been so kind and supportive in my healing?

Ruth hands me a farewell card from her, Lorenzo and the rest of the staff, along with a small bottle of Cell Food as a gift, to help continue the process of oxygenation and detoxification.  I thank Ruth for all their support.  “Everyone has been great here…” I say, feeling the tears swell my throat.  “We’ll miss your smiling face,” Ruth says to me in response.

I’m really feeling ferklempt now (for those of you who don’t know Yiddish, it means “choked up.”)  I sling my purse on my shoulder, and walk out to the reception area, to say goodbye to Lorenzo.  Tears well up in my eyes as I express my appreciation for his sincere smiles and encouragement at every step of this treatment.  We talk for a few minutes about how the oxygen will continue to do its healing work in the coming weeks.  I have promised to give them a testimonial about their wonderful clinic, but I suggest that we wait a month or two, until my IV chelations for heavy metal toxicity are finished.  We’ll connect again down the line, but for now Lorenzo wishes me a good weekend.

I turn to go, and as I make my departure from the clinic, my heart breaks open and tears spill down my face.  I walk into the sunny courtyard where each day I rest after the treatments and have a snack of fruit and nuts.  I sit on a bench and gaze at the watercolor of carmine colored roses that have come to full blossom during the past two months, and are now shimmering in the breeze.  I pull out the card that Ruth and Lorenzo picked out for me.  On the card is a cartoon drawing of two small children holding a fishing line that has hooked a huge rainbow.  The message says:

We believe in rainbows, happy endings, dreams-come-true…

So we cast a line into the sky especially for you.

I’m so touched by this, I start to sob.  Two months ago the staff at Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery of Marin were strangers to me.  Now they will live in my heart forever.  As I gaze up through my tears to the canopy of fluttering leaves above me, I silently say, “They are the evidence of God’s grace in the world.”  Yes, the Hyperbaric Oxygen treatments are amazingly effective and gentle, but without the love, how could a true and lasting healing occur?  I’m so grateful for the infinite love an compassion I have received at Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery.  It has made all the difference, helping me move from a place of feeling ravaged by chronic illness, to the promising beginnings of a lasting health and vitality.

Baby Colette and the Butterfly

“Coagulatio IV,“ ”Nigredo VI, “ “Prima Materia I,” “Alchemical Gold V”, and “Nigredo IX,” 4x6” collages on paper from The Oracle of Alchemy, ©2006-2011 by Colette de Gagnier.  To order prints from this series, please visit Alchemy of the Divine and Colette's Visionary Art Gallery at MysticAlchemyDesign.com

To learn more about the healing work of Ursula Gilkeson, please visit www.ignitingthelight.com

To learn more about Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy and the kind staff at Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery of Marin, please visit ImproveHealing.com.

Light of Your Darkness

Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 31 of Hyperbaric Dive

Prima Materia VIII

Light of your light, Light of your darkness,

Dearly Beloved, let your moonlight shine in me.

In this Harrowing of Hell, hold your daughter close.

Here is the final unveiling.

In the dark night ahead,

Give me the strength to bring forth a new baby.

In the fullness of time, let the child

Live in my womb, my new spiritual womb.

May we live incarnation.

-Marion Woodman

Bone

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Day 32 of Hyperbaric Dive

Alchemical Gold VI

This new life is not like that which she had before.

It is a life in God.  It is a perfect life.

She no longer lives or works of herself:

but God lives, acts and works in her,

and this grows little by little till she becomes

perfect with God’s perfection,

is rich with His riches,

and loves with His love.

-Madame Guyon

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day 33 of Hyperbaric Dive

Alchemical Communion VIII

Let us be like
Two falling stars in the day sky.
Let no one know of our sublime beauty
As we hold hands with god
And burn
Into a sacred existence that defies--
That surpasses
Every description of ecstasy
And love.

-Hafiz

Thursday, May 19, 2011
Day 34 of Hyperbaric Dive

Alchemical Communion II

The time has come to turn your heart

into a temple of fire.

Your essence is gold hidden in dust.

To reveal its splendor

you need to burn in the fire of love.

-Rumi

Translated by Azima Melita Kolin and Maryam Mafi

Life is messy.  Birth is messy.  And so is the healing process.  In my usual propensity for cleanliness and order, I’d like to be able to cram all the loose ends of my recovering body and sensitive psyche into a box, and tie it up with a lovely bow as my Hyperbaric oxygen treatments come to an end next week.  I’d like to be able to declare with bravado, “I’m done!  I’m healed!” 

Yes, I have been feeling enormous improvement in the past 7 weeks of daily dives into the healing crucible.  But my dreams tell me that I’m not done incubating.  A few days ago, my sleep was rent with nightmarish images of a 4-year old girl in my care, skipping ahead of me as we leave a high-rise elevator, only to tumble down the elevator shaft to her certain death many floors below.  My dream self is left at the precipice, stunned and in shock, mute with horror, gazing down into an unfathomable abyss.  In another recent dream, I am kidnapped by a child-smuggling ring along the coast of a South American country.  I see the crates of small children ready to be shipped off.  I open one crate, and cradle a few of the small, dark children who emerge, but I am powerless to save them.

My psyche is unraveling, quietly clamoring for more support, and my body continues to need more rest and healing time, wanting only to be wrapped in fleece blankets and left in peace.

While the IV chelations for heavy metal toxicity are going well, far better than I had imagined, I’ve still got at least another 2 months of treatments to go.  Dusha Popovic, the Chelation and IV therapy specialist at Marin Natural Medicine Clinic, explained that the full effects of the treatment will not be apparent until months after they are complete.

Lorenzo Alviso, one of the Certified Hyperbaric Technicians at Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery of Marin said much the same thing about the Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments.  Apparently it can take 1-2 months before the body is able to completely absorb all the oxygen it has received.

So, realistically, I’ll need to wait until the Fall the assess the final effects of these two intensive healing regimes.  I need to ease the pressure off myself to be completely “well,” and engaged with life before I am ready.  The outer world beckons and calls, with work projects unfinished, money to be earned, bills to be paid.  This transition time is perhaps the trickiest of all, calling on a gentle awareness so that I don’t repeat the patterns of pushing my body and squandering the gains I have made in the past two months.

Every illness, I believe, requires a death, while every healing contains one.  We are sometimes diminished, sometimes ennobled, but always transformed, for the Grim Reaper is also the harvester, who cuts back the growth of one year to feed the next.

-Kat Duff

The Alchemy of Illness

Friday, May 20, 2011

Day 35 of Hyperbaric Dive

Nigredo IV

The fire that is within us,

imitating the energy of divine fire,

destroys everything that is material…

purifies the things which are offered,

liberates them from the bonds of matter,

and renders them through purity of nature,

to the communion of the gods.

-Iamlichus

I’m sitting in silence at the IV Lounge at Marin Natural Medicine Clinic, where I’ve got a large bag of re-mineralizing solution slowing seeping into my veins.  Dusha Popovic, the bright and attentive IV expert at the clinic, explains that the EDTA IV I received on Wednesday not only binds the heavy metals, but draws out all minerals from the body as well.  With the depletion of magnesium, for example, she says I might have felt more anxious, and had difficulty sleeping after the treatment.  That’s exactly what happened to me Wednesday night, leaving me feeling ill at ease for most of Thursday.  Now with my body getting a generous dose of minerals and Vitamin C, I’m starting to feel relaxed again, peaceful.

It takes a solid three hours for the IV bag to drip its contents into my veins, and I when I leave the clinic and embrace the noonday sun, my arm is aching, but I notice how the sagging spirits of the past few days have blessedly abated.  It’s amazing how much chemistry can affect our mood and disposition!  Now everything feels right with the world again.

I search for a place in Larkspur to have lunch before my Hyperbaric treatment, settling on an Asian Chicken Salad at the Rustic Bakery Café.  I overhear two polished, yet casually dressed Marin women discussing their upcoming travel plans for the summer.  “Well, first we fly to Zurich, and then we take the train to Frankfurt, then on to Barcelona…”

“Wow,” I think to myself,  “people are still going on ‘Let’s do Europe’ vacations!”  It’s so far from the world in which I have been living for years, rarely journeying too far from my bed.  I recall my own journey to Europe 21 years ago, traveling with my youngest sister Jacqueline  and our German friend Arne, who had been an exchange student at our home six years earlier. 

It is the summer of 1990, less than a year after the fall of the Berlin Wall, and we enter the city in the throes of a new and messy birth.  We make our way to the infamous Wall, like thousands of other tourists that hot summer.  Sections of the Wall have been dismantled, but much still remains, since over 100 miles of impenetrable concrete and barbed wire had been erected around the city of Berlin in 1961, and I guess it takes time to remove such a substantial barrier.  Now, there are locals with spray paint and pickaxes, first covering sections of the Wall with colorful graffiti, then hacking away chunks of the concrete and selling them for souvenirs.  Rather morbid, I suppose, but I succumb and buy a small chunk for myself, a jagged piece of concrete suffering, bearing purple and magenta spray paint.

I notice two life-sized holes carved out of the Wall adjacent to one another, and ask Jackie and Arne to each climb into a hole in the Wall, so I can take a photo of them.  They are obviously bored, impatient for me to get it over with.  We have been traveling together for 5 weeks at this point, and are not only tired, but tired of one another.  I pull out my Leica M6 from my camera bag to compose the shot.  I press my shutter and capture an image of Jackie looking a bit exasperated, her arms folded tightly against her chest, and gazing away from Arne, while Arne is looking away from Jackie and absorbed in smoking a cigarette.  Not exactly the shot I was hoping for.  I exclaim, “Hey, you two, KISS!”  They both crack a smile and lean toward one another, each from their respective hole in the Berlin Wall.  At the decisive moment before their lips meet, I click the shutter.  I know I have the shot I want.  Satisfied, I put my camera away, and the three of us continue on to the Checkpoint Charlie Museum. 

Several months later, upon my return to New York, I entitle the photo “Reunification in Berlin,” and it wins an international Kodak Award for excellence in photography:

It’s been so many years since I’ve been well enough to traverse the globe, like I did in my twenties and thirties.  My last big journey was to France five years ago, to help induct a new mystery school at Chartres Cathedral, but I was so frail at the time, I could only focus on my job for those two weeks, and then fly home to recover.

As I finish my Asian Chicken Salad at the Rustic Bakery Café, I wonder if I’ll have the energy and resources to travel again.  I’ve always longed to visit Italy, and gorge myself on Florentine art and forbidden foods.  For my 50^th birthday next year, perhaps?  There are glimmers of hope that a sustained vitality is returning to my body, a reunification of my body’s abilities with the longings of my heart and the callings of my soul.  Who knows what life will bring now?

I get up from my empty salad bowl at the café, and climb back into my ancient Toyota 4-Runner for the short drive to Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery of Marin.  Today marks the 35^th dive into the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, the end of 7 weeks of treatments.  I’m amazed at how quickly this journey has gone.  Just one more week to go!  Gone is the anxiety I felt a couple of days ago.  I climb into the chamber with a smile on my face, so grateful to be imbibing the life-giving airs.  After 90 minutes of breathing at full depth, Lorenzo opens the chamber door with a warm smile and his usual greeting, “Welcome back!”  Indeed, I’m happy to be here.  The Reluctant Incarnator has moved on to the next life.

“Prima Materia VIII,“ ”Alchemical Gold VI,” “Alchemical Communion VIII,” “Alchemical Communion VII,” and “Nigredo IV,” 4x6” collages on paper from The Oracle of Alchemy, ©2006-2011 by Colette de Gagnier.  To order prints from this series, please visit Alchemy of the Divine and Colette's Visionary Art Gallery at MysticAlchemyDesign.com

To learn more about the IV Therapy and Chelation treatments at the Marin Natural Medicine Clinic, please visit http://www.marinnaturalmedicine.com

To learn more about Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy and the kind staff at Advanced Hyperbaric Recovery of Marin, please visit ImproveHealing.com