Rubedo VIII
And God said to the soul:
I desired you before the world began.
I desire you now
As you desire me.
And where the desires of two come together
There love is perfected.
-Mechthild of Magdeburg
11th Day of Hyperbaric Dive
Monday, April 18, 2011
Before I roused myself from bed this morning, I lay thinking, “Is it OK to have fun and enjoy life, when Japan is still radioactive and reeling from last month’s tsunami, and freedom fighters in Libya and Syria are being shot down on a daily basis?” Having spent endless days incapacitated and barely functional, the notion of “having fun” is like a distant, vaguely remembered dream from a world in which I used to live. For those of you who have dealt with chronic illness, you know what I’m talking about.
My husband Raphael, in a burst of enthusiasm, will often say to me things like, “Let’s go salsa dancing on Saturday night,” or “Let’s drive an hour to Pt. Reyes and go hiking on Sunday,” and my usual response is one of exasperation, mingled with despair. “What planet are you on?” I retort. “Not the same one I’m inhabiting, that’s for sure.” The ideas sound great, the reality, however, is only exhausting.
There are times I feel mad that my husband suggests these activities when he, more than anyone, knows how much I struggle with fatigue and low endurance. On a deeper level, though, I feel sad to always be disappointing him. For the 5 years of our relationship, he’s never known me vital and healthy for any length of time, although I’ve had “good” days and we have certainly had “good” times together. I often feel like he has been cheated by never knowing the younger, juicier me – the adventurous woman who traveled alone to India four times to study temple dance, the one who loved to go to parties, to concerts, to dance passionately into the night.
Yesterday I was blessed with a good day, and was given a chance to enjoy the world outside the narrow confines of my bedroom. I began my usual Sunday routine of doing laundry, which, since it entails going to the laundromat, can be a tiring and time-consuming activity. My husband said to me, “Why don’t you do your laundry every 2 weeks? You should have enough clothes, socks and underwear to last you that long.” Well, truth is, I don’t. I’ve got plenty of dressy clothes, but not enough for everyday wear. Raphael said to me, “ I don’t want you to feel like a slave on a Sunday. Here’s some money to go shopping. Get what you need.”
I jumped around like a little kid, a burden lifted from my shoulders. For the 8 years I’ve been dealing with chronic illness, I have often felt demoralized during the times of financial hardship. I haven’t had much discretionary income, and am always doing my best to conserve. It’s not easy being so dependent on my husband for the bulk of my living expenses, as well as my medical care. The thought of having enough clothes to not have to go to the laundromat each week was a liberation from bondage. Just in time for Passover!
I got dressed and went out shopping on a lovely Sunday afternoon in Berkeley. I found 2 pairs of comfy yoga pants and a stylish hooded sweatshirt to kick around in. Just as I was about to check out, I spied a hot little mini-dress for the summer, fashioned from a brightly colored coral knit, spaghetti straps, and a tight empire bodice. I had to try it on, and it fit perfectly. I thought, “Raphael is going to love this!”
Purchases in hand, I sauntered out onto the sidewalk. I marveled to see people strolling with ice cream cones, or sipping drinks at cafes. I felt “normal” for once, just out enjoying the day. I made my way to downtown Berkeley where I discovered my favorite romance novels at Half Price Books, and walked to India Bazaar to buy a jar of ghee.
Yes, I was tired when I got home after being out and about for several hours, but I felt joyous. Raphael asked for a fashion show of my new clothes, complete with musical accompaniment. At first I groaned at the suggestion, as I was ready for a snack and a nap. In the end I rallied, putting on the sexy knit sundress and a matching set of coral crystal earrings and necklace that I already had. I went to my iPod and selected Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On,” for my little fashion show. The music cranked, I beckoned Raphael to my bedroom, with me undulating my hips to the sensual tune. Raphael’s eyes lit up as he saw me, a big grin breaking out on his face. “You look HOT!” He embraced me with a luscious kiss. It felt good to be able to cast the hag aside, and feel like a desirable woman again.
After an hour’s nap, my hubby took me out for a delicious dinner of Mediterranean chicken glazed with pomegranate BBQ sauce and perfectly cooked veggies. We came home and spent the evening in the kitchen, baking oat flour Matzohs for Passover. We had FUN together! What a revelation.
Today I begin my 3rd week of hyperbaric treatments. Even though the oxygen is still detoxing my body, I’m having more “good” days, like I had yesterday, able to celebrate life again. It may not seem like such a big deal to a person who has been blessed with good health, but for me it is a huge gift.
I’ll take it as a holy endeavor to feel the joy of existence, the small, everyday blessings of being in life. I’ve certainly spent enough time scrounging for pearls in the Underworld. Time to see what the upper airs have to show me.
